From how to hang my laundry, to how to behave in company. Some tips make me genuinely happy and others make me think, "Mom, you're a sweetheart, but we're on a totally different wavelength at the moment.” But, to be honest: I sometimes go into a micromanagement fit myself when I see my partner packing the dishwasher in a way that is, of course, completely illogical. He then responds to me the way I respond to my mother in these situations: 'Thanks for the suggestion, but I'll just have to do this my own way.'

He's right. Being managed is not a necessity of life. Maybe that's why the word "stakeholder management" or, more precisely, "expectation management" always gives me the creeps. Maintaining good relations with the world around us suddenly sounds a bit manipulative to my ears. As if feelings or expectations need to be appeased and people need to be played smartly. In order to make a difference together with your stakeholders, you desperately need each other. And indeed, mutual understanding and razor-sharp goals are very useful...

What exactly is an expectation?

Those expectations that you have, and that your audience also has, are essentially personal predictions of the future. Predictions about what the future should look like. Stakeholder management conversations are often about what the mutual expectations are, and especially: why they are not correct and why they need to be adjusted. These are often not the nicest conversations, because in essence you reject the other person's prediction of the future and say: that's nice that you expect that, but it's not going to happen. That can leave a person with a very negative feeling. Does that mean it can be done differently?

Learn from love.

Let's study and learn from the most intimate relationship we will ever have in our lives: the love relationship. Anyone who is in a new relationship - or who can still remember the start of his or her current relationship -knows that our hearts literally beat with anticipation. During the in-love phase of a relationship, we collect evidence about our beloved. About who he or she is, what they deem as important, where he/she wants to go in the future, those type of things. And it is precisely in this phase, one the most vulnerable phases in our lives, that we start looking for certainty and start projecting traits, goals and visions of the future onto the other person in the form of expectation. Heartbreak in any shape or form arises when reality and expectation no longer match. Ouch...

I learned something really beautiful about this the other day: I found out by having a conversation with my partner about how I came to my set of expectations and what feelings lingered behind them. We came out of discussion mode in no time and engaged in an open and honest conversation. We no longer talked about what we expected from each other and whether that was justified, but we talked about the feeling of stress and pressure the expectation brought with it and the worry of not being able to meet it. And about the desire behind it. Arguing about whether or not the expectation was right, got us nowhere in the first place. Really listening to how the other person had arrived at that expectation, took us further than we could have imagined.

Be curious about the feeling behind the expectation.

What you are looking for in a conversation with your stakeholder, strongly influences how you listen to your audience. Conversations about expectations only become really interesting when you listen to how someone arrived at that set of expectations. Look for the layer behind it and ask not only what the expectations are, but especially how they came about and what concerns and dreams underpin them. Take a step back in order to take two steps forward.

This way, you can really level with your stakeholder and both leave with a positive feeling from your conversation about something as precarious as "expectations": because you have really understood each other and you both now see the same future ahead of you.

It is August 19, 1588. England is threatened by an invasion by the Spanish Armada. A fleet of 137 warships is ready to cross the Channel and invade England. Queen Elizabeth I addresses her troops in one of the most famous war speeches in the history of the United Kingdom. Her troops await a potentially deadly battle in the fields of Essex. With her words, she brought back hope and fighting spirit to her troops. Elizabeth I was affectionately nicknamed Good Queen Bess and she reigned for a whopping 45 years: unique for the time. She is still considered one of the greatest heads of state of all time. The Elizabethan era is that of William Shakespeare and the Golden Age; it marks one of the most prosperous periods in English history.

ME

Passion: Time and again she repeats how much she loves England and affirms that (should the time come) she is willing to die for her country: side by side with the soldiers on the front lines. "I have come among you as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved in the midst and heat of the battle to live or die among you all, to lay down for my God and for my kingdom, and for my people, my honor and my blood, even in the dust."

Personal: Even as Queen in an era when sovereigns' souls were rarely shared with their subjects, she speaks directly and from her heart: "I have always so behaved myself that, under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and safeguard in the loyal hearts and goodwill of my subjects." She trusts her audience completely and, with these words, openly places her life in their hands. She addresses them with "My loving people." Wow, what a love for her people and country speaks from that one sentence!

SOMETHING

Conflict: She dares to point out that in the eyes of her male soldiers she may be unfit as a field commander: she may be Queen, but she is also a woman and they know nothing about fighting. She wears her heart on her sleeve and expresses her view on it: "I know I have the body of a weak, feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and think foul scorn that Parma, or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm!"

Evidence: Elizabeth surprised friend and foe alike by appearing in person on the battlefield to address her troops. Usually the monarchy kept far from the battle. She went against the decorum and advice of her counselors who did not trust it when the Queen found herself unprotected among her armed subjects. This decorum she cites, only to dismiss it from the table. "We have been persuaded by some that are careful of our safety, to take heed how we commit ourselves to armed multitudes, for fear of treachery; but I assure you I do not desire to live to distrust my faithful and loving people. Let tyrants fear!"

Future: Should it come to pass that the doomsday scenario of a major battle would actually become a reality, she paints a picture of how she will fight right there with them: "Rather than any dishonor shall grow by me, I myself will take up arms, I myself will be your general, judge, and rewarder of every one of your virtues in the field."

YOU

YES: Elizabeth addresses her soldiers directly. She uses the word "You" very often, leaving no misunderstanding as to who her words are meant for at that moment. She gives them wings by complimenting them on all the victories they had won and she emphasizes how much she appreciates their efforts: "I know already, for your forwardness you have deserved rewards and crowns; and we do assure you on a word of a prince, they shall be duly paid."

Action and Promise: She calls on her army to also obey her lieutenant general in her absence during battle with the same strength and loyalty they had already shown. Then victory is at hand.  "In the meantime, my lieutenant general shall be in my stead, than whom never prince commanded a more noble or worthy subject; not doubting but by your obedience to my general, by your concord in the camp, and your valor in the field, we shall shortly have a famous victory over these enemies of my God, of my kingdom, and of my people."

Communicating with Impact is relevant across the ages. What touches the core of our humanity proves timeless: even in the 16th century there was a female leader who understood this. She used impactful communication at a crucial moment in world history.

The knowledge that a compliment works!
It often takes some soul searching - especially when things are not going so well - but don't let that deter you. The power of the compliment is enormous. Research from Japan has shown that people who are complimented, perform better than those who receive no compliments. In the study, 48 subjects were asked to press as many single keys in succession as possible on a keyboard within 30 seconds. The subjects were then divided into three groups. In one of the groups, the subjects received a personal compliment. Those in the other two groups did not. The first group performed significantly better than the rest at the same exercise on the second day. Scientist Norihiro Sadato says of the study, "For our brain, receiving a compliment is the same social reward as receiving money. Handing out compliments can be an easy and effective strategy in the classroom, for example."

Receiving compliments activates a part of the brain associated with reward. The amount of dopamine increases, which makes you feel good. Dopamine enhances memory. So a complimenting boss could also induce better employee performance. Dopamine or not: it remains to be seen whether we really need scientific evidence to know that a sincere compliment works. Just think back to a moment when you received a nice compliment from a colleague or family member about what you had been working on for a while. "You did a great job organizing that!" or "You must have put a lot of work into it.” It can be so nice to get a compliment. Especially if you feel that others hadn't noticed how hard you are working on something, or if you are uncertain about something.

I don't have time for that right now!
Despite the fact that we know (both from science and from our own experience) how powerful a compliment can be, it turns out that it is not always easy to give one to those around you. It's slimy or we simply don't think we have time for it. Deadlines, full workdays and stress make it seem as if compliments only slow us down. After all, you always have to do better. That's why you often only get an email telling you that the report you worked on until two in the morning, needs to be improved, without sharing what was good about it.

No half-measures
A real compliment goes beyond a trick ("Yes, nicely done! Say, I was thinking: I think there's a mistake in the calculation!") or an empty compliment ("Thanks for coming. Good to have you here, because there is a downward trend in sales.") No, this is about a full compliment. Every day during the training sessions at The Speech Republic, we notice the power of the (sincere) compliment. The speaker literally looks at his audience differently if he first thought about what he actually likes about them. The audience he is addressing enjoys being seen f their qualities! Now that's what called a win-win situation.

So even if the problem and lesser performance is on the tip of your tongue: think again. Think about what compliments you can legitimately give to the person you are talking to and share it with them!

In his short speech, Reagan scores high on all nine elements of the ME-YOU-SOMETHING model. He makes personal connection with the ME, he is painfully clear on the SOMETHING and he really focuses on his audience - the YOU.

ME

The connection that Reagan manages to make from the Oval Office is great. He speaks right through the camera. It is as if he is looking directly at the viewer at home on the couch.

What always comes back to Reagan is his profound Passion for progress. His belief that tomorrow will be better and that America can handle anything. In this speech, too, he emphasizes this:  'The future doesn't belong to the fainthearted. It belongs to the brave.''

That Reagan is not only a leader in office, but also a human being of flesh-and-blood, is evident when he shares his and his wife’s shock at the beginning of the his speech: "Nancy and I are pained to the core by the tragedy of the Shuttle Challenger.

SOMETHING

To make one feel and show how great the tragedy is, Reagan reads out the names of the seven heroes. By doing so, Reagan provides the rock hard and painful Evidence of the fact that seven brilliant minds lost their lives in this explosion.

Even in this situation, Reagan still is willing to remind his audience of the need to really reflect on the courage of The Challenger Seven: “But we've never lost an astronaut in flight; we've never had a tragedy like this. And perhaps we've forgotten the courage it took for the crew of the shuttle.”

His passion for progress is also reflected in his vision of the future: “We'll continue our quest in space. There will be more shuttle flights and more shuttle crews and, yes, more volunteers, more civilians, more teachers in space. Nothing ends here; our hopes and our journeys continue.”

YOU

Reagan addresses his Call to action and makes a Promise specifically to the children of America: "And I want to say something to the schoolchildren of America who were watching the live coverage of the shuttle's take-off. I know it's hard to understand, but sometimes painful things like this happen. It's all part of the process of exploration and discovery. It's all part of taking a chance and expanding man's horizons. The future doesn't belong to the fainthearted; it belongs to the brave. The Challenger crew was pulling us into the future, and we'll continue to follow them.”

Reagan also really addresses his deeply shocked audience. He knows the entire nation says or feels YES when he tells them he shares in their pain: 'We know we share this pain with all the people of our country.' He also specifically reflects on the perseverance of the people who work at NASA (compliment): “Your dedication and professionalism have moved and impressed us for decades. And we know of your anguish. We share it.”

So you see, even in a short speech, Reagan manages to show something of himself, has a real message, and he really shares it with his audience. In your next story, what do will you do with ME-YOU-SOMETHING?

ME

Connection: The Queen has a cheat sheet in front of her, but makes contact with her audience every time before she speaks. This immediately makes her more personal and direct - a Queen looking at you, that’s unheard of!

Personal: She tells a personal anecdote, to close the gap between her and her audience: "Twenty-five years ago my grandfather broadcast the first of these Christmas messages. My own family often gather round to watch television as they are this moment, and that is how I imagine you now. I very much hope that this new medium will make my Christmas message more personal and direct. Now at least for a few minutes I welcome you to the peace of my own home.”

Passion: In her willingness to give of herself completely for the ideal of the nation she speaks passionately: “I cannot lead you into battle, I do not give you laws or administer justice but I can do something else, I can give you my heart and my devotion to these old islands and to all the peoples of our brotherhood of nations.”

SOMETHING

Conflict: Elizabeth II wants to get personal, but of course she is The Queen and that is quite a bridge to cross! She addresses this directly: “It is inevitable that I should seem a rather remote figure to many of you. A successor to the Kings and Queens of history; someone whose face may be familiar in newspapers and movies but who never really touches your personal lives.”

Nor does she shy away from pointing out those who threaten her ideals: “The trouble is caused by unthinking people who carelessly throw away ageless ideals as if they were old and outworn machinery. They would have religion thrown aside, morality in personal and public life made meaningless, honesty counted as foolishness and self-interest set up in place of self-restraint.”

Evidence: Her personal experiences also serve as evidence. For example, she experienced firsthand the loyalty and enthusiasm of the Canadians while she was there. Moreover: “...my husband and I paid visits to Portugal, France, Denmark and the United States of America. In each case the arrangements and formalities were managed with great skill, but no one could have 'managed' the welcome we received from the people.”

Future: Elizabeth II shares a layered future, one where Future, Conflict, Yes, and Action are intertwined: 'Today we need ... the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics so that we can show the world that we are not afraid of the future. It has always been easy to hate and destroy. To build and to cherish is much more difficult. That is why we can take a pride in the new Commonwealth we are building.'

YOU

Yes: Elizabeth II seeks to connect with her audience by addressing recognizable conflicts, complimenting her subjects, and showing empathy for their concerns. For example, "Because of the speed at which things are changing all around us] I am not surprised that many people feel lost and unable to decide what to hold on to and what to discard. How to take advantage of the new life without losing the best of the old.”

Promise: : There are several promises hidden in the speech. First, the promise that this is going to be more personal than previous speeches. But second, the negative promise, is of what happens if moral leadership is not upheld: “At this critical moment in our history we will certainly lose the trust and respect of the world if we just abandon those fundamental principles which guided the men and women who built the greatness of this country and Commonwealth.”

Action: The end of the Christmas message does not have a concrete call to action, but rather a wish to find rest, peace and fun (!): “I hope that 1958 may bring you God's blessing and all the things you long for. And so I wish you all, young and old, wherever you may be, all the fun and enjoyment, and the peace of a very happy Christmas.”

You don't have to be King or Queen to make an impact during your Christmas speech at the dinner table. Experiment with more ME, more SOMETHING and more YOU in your wishes and conversations at the Christmas table. May your days be merry AND magical!

Are you curious about the beautiful, original images from 1957?

On Wednesday, October 14, during the last night that the pubs were still allowed to be open, I performed in Utrecht. It was a great night. The audience was in the mood and I was able to claim the stage on my own. The tension was gone immediately, the ice was broken and the audience was on board from the start. We were in a flow of give and take, of action and reaction.

In Amersfoort, things went differently. Not bad, but not good either. A real fusion with the audience never materialized. How could that be? Why didn't I manage to be in the moment and stand there authentically? Now, telling a story in front of colleagues or during a conference is really different to being a comedian on stage. But still.... as an experienced storytelling coach I should have been able to put my experience and theoretical knowledge into practice. How can you be yourself on stage? How can you be authentic? I took a step back, looked at the experience and started thinking of ways that I could improve in order to enhance my presence and authenticity on stage, the next time I was on it.

The 'exercise-in-authenticity' paradox

This is how you recognize a non-authentic speaker, but you actually already knew that....
But first: Why do some leaders come across as inauthentic during presentations? The answer lies in the way our brains process information and communication. If verbal and nonverbal communication isn’t aligned, as a speaker you lose your authenticity and your message, its power. For example, if you have over-exercised your gesticulation - using hand gestures - your audience will notice. In fact, research shows that this causes your gesture to follow just after the word you are portraying, whereas with real use of your hands, your gestures go out just before the associated word.

"You might say that words are after-the-fact explanations of why we just gestured as we did" writes Morgan. This is why, as a coach, you will never hear me give directions like "when you say the word great, put your hands up..." Because I don't believe that will win the hearts of your audience. It's all too focused on the outside and that makes you artificial. If you dare to follow your impulses and are comfortable on stage, your hands will naturally follow your words. Simply put: Gestures precede your conscious thoughts and your thoughts precede your words.

This abridged version of an Indian fable teaches us that a single fact, like an elephant, can have as many as six different perspectives. Each perspective is based on a different experience. If a fairly simple concept like an elephant can already have six different perspectives, you can imagine that with more complex issues, that there are even more. Let alone if you have an audience consisting of more than six people!

When you tell your story, you can also tell it from different perspectives and with different pieces of ‘evidence’ to carry your story. In previous The Speech Republic blogs, we wrote that your story will have a broader foundation if you provide evidence that both stimulates your head and touches your heart. It's important to strike a good balance here. What that balance looks like will depend on your audience. In this blog, you will read how to present evidence that will appeal to your audience, so that you can make something special happen in both their minds and hearts. Evidence allows your audience to experience an ‘Aha’ moment or see things differently than before. What choice do you make when selecting your evidence, when so much information is available?

JP Rangaswami: Giving information is like cooking.

JP Rangaswami is a technology innovator and in his "Information is food" TED talk, he offers a helping hand to change our perspective on information. He talks about the film Short Circuit, which tells the story of a robot that gets electrocuted and is brought back to life. The first thing the robot says after being revived is, "Give me input, give me input! As JP Rangaswami watched this, he realized that for a robot, information and power are the same thing. Then he asked himself what it would be like if he looked at himself as someone where energy and information are the two things he gets as input. Energy and information are similar to each other. He argues that just as with food, humans began as hunters and gatherers of information and progressed to farmers and cultivators of information. In addition, like food, you can produce, prepare and consume information. The question that then arises is how we can establish in ourselves, a diet that allows us to find balance in the amount of different information. Just as we do this with our food, we will have to find our way through this with evidence.

What will your information diet be?

The crux is to not share everything you know during your stories. That's what we at The Speech Republic call content dumping. In order to formulate a well-balanced information diet for your audience, you actually have to ask yourself two questions:

What is their perspective at this moment? Think back to the Elephant in the Indian fable: does your audience see only the tail? Or only the side? If you could use one fact to show the status quo, what fact would it be?
What do you want them to (see) after your story? What information do they need from you to see the whole elephant, rather than just a part? If you could use one fact to change their perspective, and show them what you see, what fact would that be?
By using your audience's perspective to make sharper choices in your story, in the information recipe you present to them, you not only become more relevant, but also more interesting to your audience. Those ‘Aha’ moments don't happen by accident. Consider what mental shift you want to bring about, and make your choices in your information recipe based on that.

P.S. Check out the TED talk here:

Are you really competing?

If you can't share what's on your mind, you're not telling a story but presenting a memo. And crazy enough, somehow, that has become the norm. This is what we settle for when it comes to a stage-worthy story. We hide behind dry facts, conformism and last but not least, a whole lot of fear. Deviating from this norm, if only ever so slightly, often feels that it carries too much of a risk (of rejection) so it’s safer and much less intense to just stick to it.

And so, prepared T and scripted to the comma, we step into the most exciting and perhaps only arena left in modern society: the stage. With a mindset focused on defense, we go on that stage to "fight" for the story, that new strategy or yet another reorganization. But the actual battle is already lost, because you stand there with a beaten to death story that you might as well have put it on an email. And your audience? Ah, Ah, they feel socially obligated to applaud. And that’s why they are willing to put their mobiles away… at least for a while.

Freedom is in my DNA and Authenticity is the dream

This is the era of fake news, the inevitable dark side of the digital information revolution. The news is everywhere, all the time, in real time. And sometimes it is the only thing that is "real." We loathe it, politicians abuse it to (re)gain voter trust, and we ban the Internet trolls who are guilty of it.

But where is that fierce intolerance against everything fake when we are on stage?

Because being real sometimes means being ugly and vulnerable especially in the moments that matter. For example, at the lunch table on your first day at work, where even the CEO has stopped by to get acquainted and everyone is talking about last night’s soccer game. But you didn't watch, because eyou have soccer and everything sports related.

But this is the moment: Feel the fear, do it anyway! You hate soccer and that’s ok. That authenticity makes you unique, interesting and ensures that you leave an impression. Your impression.

And sure, that authenticity doesn't come cheap. You always have to overcome something for it: fear of rejection, insecurity or confronting who you really are. But the more you do this, the more you connect with both others and with yourself. You are no longer looking for the affirmation or approval others or for the perfect way to present yourself. And everything you consider desirable in that regard is now given to you anyway: spontaneity, being "in the flow," humor and focus.

Unleashing the words that change the world for the better

This is my motto. Everyone carries a story with them and that story is allowed to be there. And yes, it can define who you are, but it is also the solid ground beneath your feet that enables you to make that connection with another person. A prerequisite for communicating with impact.

But keep in mind: The judgment or rejection of the outside world is not the only barrier that compromises your story. It's also that inner critic and fear monger that won't allow that story to see the light of day.

So yes, for me there is work to do. I’ll continue to fight against forced communication where there is no ownership by the speaker, the energy is missing and the audience drops out. Because for that, the spoken word is too great a commodity to waste.

The world needs a game changer. And that's me.

Storytelling goes far beyond simply telling an amusing story and then moving on with the rest of the day’s happenings. At Speech Republic, we believe that the most powerful tool for creating lasting change and connection is at our fingertips; it's your stories that make the difference.

How can you stop content dumping and really start using storytelling as a powerful tool for your business or organization? Let’s take a look:

Storytelling means making a difference
Storytelling has nothing to do with what you do with your hands or how high or low your voice sounds. Impactful storytelling is based on three fundamental elements.

• Are you showing who you are? (more ME)
• Are you really saying something that matters? (More SOMETHING)
• Does your message reflect the world of your audience? (More YOU)

The moment you can answer these three questions with a resounding "Yes," the likelihood of impact is high.

It is as simple as: Let ME tell YOU SOMETHING!

Three tips for using both personal storytelling and visual storytelling as powerful tools:

1. Know where you want to go
We've all heard it before; a story that describes every detail and and that makes you secretly wonder, “ What’s the point?!.” As a storyteller you can share the most wonderful personal stories, statistics or visuals, but if you don't know where you want to go with your story, chances are that you’ll end up content dumping.

So: Think clearly about the difference you want to make with your story and make sure you can capture your message in a call to action of about ten seconds. Because: 'If you can't say it in ten seconds, you can't say it in ten hours.'

'If you don't know where you're going, you're probably not gonna get there.'-
- Forrest Gump

2. Harness the power of conflict
What does every bestseller, every Hollywood blockbuster, every Disney movie and therefore every good story have in it that makes everyone willing to spend their precious time on it: Conflict. A James Bond movie would never be a success if 007 had no enemy to fight, and Little Red Riding Hood would never have become a hit if Little Red Riding Hood had not encountered the Wolf. In short: Every story thrives on a healthy dose of conflict. Take a cue from the way Disney does storytelling and, as a speaker, name what you are fighting against and what is the hang-up that no one dares to name.

3. Take your audience through an experience
Have you ever been on a roller coaster? Now imagine that you are listening to a technical story about its construction process. You’ll likely sit and listen for a few seconds, but you won’t (re)live the experience of the actual rollercoaster ride. As a speaker, marketeer and communicator, you have the power of the (spoken)word to take your audience on a journey. What would it mean for your Brand’s Storytelling if you could communicate from the perspective of being ‘in it’ and not just talking ‘about it.’

Don't just stick to facts, figures and other Left Brain information but leverage the fact that the human brain can actually experience. How will your clients experience your new strategy in the real world? How will your employees experience a ‘new way of working’ both now and a year from now? What does risk management mean in daily practice for your stakeholders? Take your audience on a sensory experience. You can read how to do just that in our blog 'the power of details'.

Make it personal; show your passion.
'Why are you even telling me this? That's the question a speaker, marketeer or team leader should ask themselves more often. After all, to connect with your audience, you need to show them who you are. That you're not "just another suit.” So: Ask yourself this question, five times; "Why am I telling you this? You’ll see that you’ll start to drill down to the core of your story. That core is essential. Why do you sell what you sell? Why do you believe in your company's strategy? Why do you believe there needs to be a culture change? Take a cue from Richard Branson, Steve Jobs and Barack Obama and make a personal connection to your topic. Without your passion, there is no story. Without ‘I’, there is no impact.

These five questions are important when preparing your story. Ask yourself: 

1. Who is your audience?
2. What is your Call to Action? What is your story in less than 10 seconds?
3. Which examples prove that what you are saying is true? How can you share these in a colorful way?
4. What are you fighting for? What is the biggest misconception about your topic?
5. Why are YOU telling this story?

It is simple: I say ANYTHING to YOU.